lose ends

   The loss of a parent is a deeply personal, yet strangely communal event. Dad passed on August 2nd early in the morning, before the sun rose. My sister, husband and I had the honor of witnessing his journey and I will never forget this unique and graceful experience. Many of the things our society believes about death have finally been put to rest. I will look at the end of life very differently from now on. Less fear and more peace.

Indulge me for a moment if you will. My father was a wonderful, kind man. He had a ready smile and loved his family without reservation. Dad worked hard all his life; played hard and loved greatly.  My mother was the great love of his life and he cared for her and cherished her in a gentle and warm way. His only regret was having to leave her behind. I know that he will watch over all of us and especially Mom. 

Grief is a selfish thing for all of us. We will miss Dad every day and struggle to hold on to the knowledge that he has no more pain. A better place they call it. I hope this is so for he deserved it more than many people I know. I am missing him all the time and have not quite gotten over the fact that I can't pick up the phone and call him or take the dog for a visit. I get weepy more times than I would care to admit and find that my mind wanders often.

I have spent a lot of time with my knitting and stick to simple projects as I find that I have been more easily frustrated. 

Dad got in the right line up there as the afternoon of the day he left us, the sun came out and after many days of rain, we were graced with more than a week of lovely summer weather. Thanks Dad....now about those lottery numbers....

I miss you Dad. Love Missy

rainy days and some days

I'm wondering how anyone could deny climate changes, given the scope of changing weather across the country and around the world. I feel a little like New England has changed places with Washington state and Oregon. Lots of rain, mild weather and not a lot of sunshine. Tomorrow will be the only nice day of the week? Sigh.....I will continue to bead and wish for summer to really arrive and stay for more than a day or so. 

If I sound whiny, I suppose I am. Sorry. I will move on to brighter things. 

A wedding a little under a year away and I am experimenting with beaded flowers. Tried the wire and beads and found it not as satisfying as peyote and brick stitch. A lovely little daffodil blossom has emerged and a tiny lily of the valley. I am very happy with this craft. I hope to have an entire spring bouquet for the bride by next March. Lots of color and light in weight. Overall, a very gratifying project. 

Beaded flowers work wonderful as small embellishment for my felted bags too. Low profile flowers can be sewn easily onto the felted product and give dimension to the piece but are secure enough to survive casual use on an everyday bag. Be sure to take the time to secure the blooms with extra stitching. The thread disappears in the felting and it is a neat contrast in mediums. 

An ott-lite is a godsend in the evenings and I bask in the glow of mine every night. Keeps the colors true and I get no surprises the next morning in daylight. 

I will try to load some photos soon so everyone can see them. 

I wonder if I can bead knit some? hm....later.....

The First Breath of Summer

Just 3 days ago, I slipped on my winter jacket to take the pup for her morning walk. This morning I slipped on my shorts and sandals to do the same. Spring in New England is such a fickle thing. One morning it is 28 degrees and flurries fill the sky and the next it is 61 and sunny and birds have taken the place of the flurries. 

The warmth is so welcome after the cold winter we had this year. I love to hear the birds in the quiet of the early morning. They seem so delighted to be making nests and hunting for worms. I have seen many robins tugging away at the earth and then hopping away with their prizes. 

My hummingbird feeder is full of fresh nectar and waiting for the hummers to arrive. They generally arrive by Mother's Day and I take that as a gift from mother nature herself, just for me. 

Spring cleaning goes on in fits and starts. Windows have been washed and curtains switched out for happy warmer colors. 

I begin to put away my wools and pull out the cottons and silks.....and you thought I meant clothes, but I do mean yarn. Winter knitting is hidden away and summer knitting season begins. This spring it has been baby gifts and bright colored bags. I have a list of patterns I want to try. A pretty top from a magazine, a new beaded purse and perhaps  a cotton/silk sweater. 

In between the shining up of the house and spiffing up of the yard, I want to straighten out the fibers. Organize the yarns, color code the beads and alphabetize the crafting library. So much to do and so much ambition. However I will most likely take some needles and yarn and retire to a comfy chair in the shade and knit.

Sigh

I do love summer.

light knitting

Sometimes it is difficult to know where to begin a subject. Why do we do the things we do? Why do I bead? knit? sew? craft? sing? dance? laugh, cry? In some weird miniscule way, perhaps to leave something of myself behind so that someday, decades from now, someone will touch something I have created and remember the story of me. A legacy or perhaps just a pleasant anecdote.

I have arrived at a place in my life that most everyone reaches. Watching helplessly as my parents age and follow the path that will lead to the end of their time here. It has been more than difficult for me and for all of my siblings, and theirs. The last few years have brought changes in health and emotional well-being that (at one time in my life) I never thought possible. My friends and acquaintances as well, relate stories very much like mine. We seek comfort in one another, knowing that we have all become members of the same undesirable club. Looking for ways to allow comfort and dignity to the people who gave us life, raised us and then released us to the world to follow our own paths. 

Increasingly I find myself lost in thought about where I came from and where I still travel to in my life. I question my mortality and theirs. Why does it have to be such a difficult road to travel? Does everyone have to be ill or in pain to finish their life? Why don't doctors have the answers? Why can't I find answers for them?

My parents' generation considered doctors and priests more than  human. They were the answers. They were always right; take this pill, say this prayer, do this, don't do that. And now after such a long time we find that they are human just like we are. They don't have the answers we need. They are struggling to find them, just as we are. We have put so much responsibility on them all that there is no way to succeed and they are afraid to say, "I don't know". 

The past 3 years or so have been spent in waiting rooms, doctor's offices, hospital emergency rooms and solitary prayer. The answers don't come and I find myself struggling to make sense of this natural and yet unnatural journey from birth to death. I try to shield my family and at the same time prepare them for what will come. I struggle to maintain a positive outlook and sometimes succeed and sometimes fail.  

The one thing I have learned is that, no matter how hard I try to have control of what will happen, I truly cannot control the outcome of most any situation. Life/death will happen and I will bear witness, but I will not have control. 

So I take up my yarn and needles, beads and glass, and make them a tool of my prayers. I reflect on the wonderful things I have had and hope to still have in my life. The people I cherish and love. I knit their stories and bead their smiles into my simple offerings and hope that in my small quiet way I am honoring them; those I know, have known and will know in my lifetime. 

I try always to breath positive energy and love into every stitch, every bead. If I have difficulty banishing the negative feelings and energy I set aside the piece so as not to taint it. 

Negative energy is for cleaning. I wash, dust and scrub away as much of it as I can. Rake, shovel, scrape, paint, sort, throw away, polish and shine. Once I have exorcised the "dark" and I feel the "light" I can return to the craft. 

So why do we do these things? the knitting, the sewing, the beading the singing and dancing? Probably so the light will never leave our hearts for long. You may not see me on my knees in a pew, but you can be sure that if I gift you with something I have made with my hands, I have prayed each bead, each stitch, each note. 

My heart is heavy today but I took, comfort in my needles and fibers. You may not be able to know the story when you hold this piece, but perhaps some of the spirit that helped me craft it will make your heart smile. 

in search of spring

Now, I just wonder if spring has given us a pass here in New England. The snow was flurrying this morning when Lily and I took our little first walk. The sun came out to tease us for about a half hour at around 9:00, but then it scurried away and now it is grey and sad out there. For this reason, I would like to return to my bed with a book about the beach. Instead it will be spring cleaning and baby knitting for me today. I keep imagining that if I spring clean the inside of the house, then mother nature will notice how bright and shiny it is and warm us up. I hope for a summer so long and hot that my wool will stick to my fingers as I knit and my beads will stick to my  hands so that I curse the heat. Ha! Of course, anyone who uses needles of any type will know that we simply adjust the materials to fit the weather and I will do that as well. Silks and cottons, and pre-strung beads to knit into something cool and lacy will be the order of the season. Sigh! 

But, there is hope. I have been knitting tiny things for baby gifts. They make everything more hopeful. Sweet little garments of light, soft colors. They make me smile and know that summer will come and bring sweet little people to wear them. 

dreams and possibilities

This morning I received an email from my daughter. A note to tell me that a job had been posted for Ravelry. Something that is so perfect for me that I dare not hope, but of course I will anyway. A job like one I loved and had to leave. But even better, because I could work from home! Maybe make a difference! So dream I will and I emailed my desire. Then I sent a little resume. I'm not experienced at resume, but what the heck, dreams can lead to possibilities so.......off it went into cyberspace. Now I will wait and hope and wait and...you get the idea. All of the little "sayings" roll around in your head. The ones that used to roll off your mother's tongue, and now you probably say yourself; "if it's meant to be, it will." "You'll never know unless you try." "Don't let the door hit you in the....."oops not that one. 

So now, of course, I can't sleep. I hate that! Why can't you just shut off your mind and close your eyes and drift off and stay that way for 8 whole hours? 

I got a lovely package today from a little swap group. Green beads on a hank (that's string) that I can easily move to perle cotton and knit with them. Green is one of my favorites and I am designing a little amulet in my mind as I sit here. (another reason why I'm not sleeping).

I have a little yellow spring bag on my needles right now and may get to felt it tomorrow along with the blue one and the pink one I finished this week. Then I will bead on all three of them. Flowers perhaps. It is time for spring, for summer, for bare feet and summer weight yarns. So much yarn, so little time. 

woeful inadequacy, did i even spell that right?

Have I mentioned that I just love Ravelry. I have become a true addict. I check my Ravelry messages before I check my email. I have joined groups, exchanged ideas and even swapped beads. I have become linked to other bloggers and enjoy their postings. I feel like such an amateur when I read these posts and hope that my wit is enjoyed by SOMEONE out there. I want to earn the MacGyver badges from iamtherforeiknit. So how do I do that?

Spring is due to spring any moment now. I have knit and beaded away the winter and still feel like there is so much more to do. But now, I would like to do it outside. I am  not alone, oh no! There are many others, so very many that feel just like I do. A long, dark, cold winter. We are ready for crocuses, lily of the valley and, yes, even Black flies. 

Because, after all, one can knit outdoors too.

I just loved making this one. It is a long winter necklace that is woven and embroidered over and around half inch cording. It makes me feel good to wear it and it goes with so much. Lots and lots of hours, but so much satisfaction. These remind me of a crazy quilt. So many beads, so little time. 

now where was I?

The last couple of weeks I find that I am truly sick of the cold. I don't mind winter, but the bone chilling cold has gone on for such a long time this year. I have been fairly productive though. My little Valentine necklace here was quite the success and I have enjoyed testing it out. It was so bright and happy that I forgot the cold for a bit. I finished another necklace and even made a third, all of which show up on my Etsy site. It is snowing here again and we may get a couple of inches. Enough to cover the old dirty snow and make things look Christmasy again. I even hit the slopes for a couple of  hours and was delighted to find that I could still "shush?" with the best of them. I think I may have to try that again tomorrow on the new stuff. New England skiing is not generally for the faint of heart as there tends to be more ice under the snow than snow, if you know what I mean. New England skiing means sharper edges and a helmet as a fashion statement. I have not skied in 3 years so I need a helmet. Everyone else has one and I am the Mom so tell them all to wear them. I suppose I have to practice all the preaching. 

Today, as I recuperate from those few runs, I am knitting and staying warm. I have some lovely new beads from a bead swap and will post them here. I am so excited and looking for ideas. A summer shell with beads in the hem may be just what I need to show off these lovely beads. 

Who knows? 

Too much time on my hands

Last week I was wandering around hating the cold weather and wishing for spring. It was so bad, I just could not seem to get anything done. In disgust I jumped online to see what other people were doing. I found a pattern for a sweet little Valentine heart to knit and felt. So off I went to find red yarn. If that wasn't enough I stumbled on to a blog showing some martini olives, also to knit and felt and low and behold! my day was complete. I happily set about knitting the little suckers and felting them in the bathroom sink. What fun! Then my husband came home and wondered aloud what I had been up to. Uh Oh! I had to show him the olives and hearts. He got quiet, but only for a moment; then he laughed and said they were so cool! I am just so lucky! and have way too much time on my hands.