Wednesday, May 13, 2020

The world upside down

    I am finding it harder to focus these days. Our world is upside down. Watching the world collapse around us and feeling helpless to stop it. The sun came out today so today is a better day. People can go out and walk a pup or push a stroller or do both at the same time while still being distant from anyone else.
    Our society is in mourning for human contact, a kiss, a handshake. We have been visited by the harbinger of death and we continue to struggle to survive it.
    I have always thought about what it would be like if a virus got loose in the world like the one we are bearing witness to right now. What would we do? Would we give up and just die? Would we fight? Would the people we have put in power and trust to protect us do their jobs? Would we take care of one another? What would that look like?
    Regretfully, we currently bear witness to terrible, horrifying illness and death. The leaders we put in place are fighting amongst themselves to see who will profit most from this scourge. We are not allowed to care for one another; no indeed, if we fall ill and have to go to a hospital for care, we must say goodbye to our loved ones. We will suffer and die alone. Alone. Alone.
    We now know that this virus has been in our country for much longer than we first believed and that it came from more than just one place. Unwittingly spread by people who either thought they just had a cold, a touch of the flu, or no symptoms at all. By the time the leader of our country decided to actually listen to the drum beat of this virus that had been beating for a long time, it was too late.
    This man, or maybe not even a man, is uneducated, ignorant, cruel and vulgar takes victory laps on the graves of his victims. He is committing genocide, added by partisan hacks who have long ago outlived any sort of value. People who fawn and genuflect to this monster who presides over the mass  murders of men, women, children and babies and considers 80,000 dead a victory. They kiss his (ring) in order to stack courts with like minded individuals who compromised their souls long ago.
So now, after weeks of death, they are all in too deep to ever survive the drowning of their souls.
    So, how do we cope? What do we do to stay alive, care for our loved ones and eliminate the diseased leaders so that our people have a prayer of surviving?
Vote? That would be wonderful, but how many will be left to actually vote come November?
    Businesses are dying. People are dying, babies are dying, and yet, building a wall to keep others out is more important. Caging souls who don’t look like the orange moron in chief, more important than listening to the facts, the science, the sane.
    Babies in cages, undrinkable water, death and disease on a massive scale and we have senators more worried about their own job than the people they are sworn to represent.
    When did caring for one another become Socialism? When did doing the right thing become a crime?
    I know that the so-called religious right are simply atheists in Christian clothing. Because nowhere; NO WHERE in the Bible does it say to Hate, to Dominate, to Hurt, to Turn away from others. The God I was taught to worship didn’t care what color I was, or who I loved, or who loved me. The God I was taught to worship is color blind and reveres all creatures. These so-called holy folk are liars and cheats. They do not believe in God. They lie to you in the name of God, but don’t really care about you as long as they have theirs.
    My rage is all consuming. My sorrow is stifling. My heart feels hate and finds it sickening.
So, how do I put one foot in front of the other? Well, I don’t sometimes. Sometimes I just stop and feel all that terror and pain. Other times I look at my family, my pups, my friends all struggling at the same time and I take a deep breath and start to look outward. I look at the sunrise and appreciate. I look at the moon and appreciate. When my children share photos of my grand children I feel love and gratitude that they are safe and well for now. And I appreciate. The terror that one or more will become ill chokes me sometimes. But in that moment when I see them smile and laugh, I feel gratitude.
    My prayers are for health for all of them. For lives long and well lived. Prayers that they will always be kind and know that they are loved. And a selfish prayer that we all stay well so that we may celebrate their lives for many many years.
    How do I pray at a time like this? My form of prayer has always come from my hands or music. So right now, I put my head down and sew prayers into stitches of cloth masks to hopefully protect anyone who needs one. My knitting is prayer. My beading; also prayer. When my voice allows me to sing; it is prayer.
    I pray for the time, the patience and the love of the world. I pray to overcome the fear and hate that has grown in my soul for the people who have caused this. Or maybe caused is the wrong word; maybe, allowed this to unfold in this way is a better choice. Because it truly did not have to be this way. There was information available. There were plans in place that were willfully dismantled by a racist, conman who was installed by foreign interference in our election. We could see it coming and we are helpless as we watch this madman succumb to age onset dementia and megalomania.
So we pray. We keep praying to whatever power we believe in for mercy; for survival; for return to sanity.
    Our world will never be the same as it was on the first of January 2020. Our world has forever been changed, by greed, racism, cruelty and hate. It didn’t have to be this way. We should not have to die.
For now; we will stay at home, stay in touch with all we love, care for those we can. And we will pray for the world to come right side up.

Friday, October 11, 2019

Autumn is truly here and I came across this picture of Lily on the Boat. She loved it so very much. We would put on the girls little life jackets and off they would run to get on the boat. She didn't get a ride this year and has left us to check up on my Dad and Mom. We will miss her every day.

I love the fall, the smells, the colors, Halloween! But I find it a difficult time of year as I start to reflect on all the things I wish I could have accomplished on the long days of summer. It takes me a little while to actually realize that so many "things" got done; but I fixate on the ones that didn't. Do other people feel that way? Or is is just me? 

The end of summer projects and clean up. Keeping up with the little things inside the house. The past few years have taught me to pick a single thing and do it well. Then move on to the next thing. But every now and then I find myself reverting to the frenzy of earlier years. Fold the laundry and half-way there take a pile to the bathroom and as I put the towels into the cabinet I see that it needs organizing so I sit on the floor and pull everything out and start to organize, but then I think I should start a bag for trash and another for donate so off I go for the bags. They reside under the kitchen sink which I see has our coffee cups from the morning in it, so I start to put them in the dishwasher only to find that it is full of clean dishes, so....you get my drift. As I am getting older I am doing better, but sometimes......

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you were gone tomorrow? Would the toilet get cleaned? Has anyone else ever actually cleaned the toilet? Just me? Hm. Who would make sure there is bread in the freezer, cream for the coffee or even the coffee for that matter? 
Who would wash the windows? Vacuum right to the corners? Trim the puppies nails? Trim the pups? Would someone else make sure that there was toothpaste, razor blades, dog food? 
My mind goes "there" sometimes. The things that nobody really notices are the things that I do every day or every week or once a month or twice a year. They are solitary chores and I don't mind doing them, but once in awhile I wonder if I should make a list to leave behind; like a Will of duties. 

The pet peeves that I have would go undone. The sink drain would need to be emptied. The cobwebs in the cellar in need of vanquishing. Change those sheets once a week! Wash all of the bedding 3 or 4 times a year.....at least!

People don't notice the clean windows, but I feel like they would notice dirty ones. Magic drawers full of folded clothes. Deodorant and razor blades are always just there, right? Socks match.
Sugar and spice and everything nice are watched over and replenished by house elves; right?

I never thought that I would take pleasure in all of these little things, but as I get older, I enjoy these things. The process of folding and dusting and washing and straightening. The magical things that nobody notices, but benefit from. Making life comfortable in a simple way; under the radar. Being useful and quiet. 

So, I wonder sometimes; if I was gone; would anyone notice? Just in case I have decided that I am not going........
Happy Fall.

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Dear Lily,
You left us on August 12th at 10 in the morning and we will probably never be exactly the same. For 13 years you were my constant companion and best friend. You saved me from the dark during a very dark time for me. You were never “just a pup” to me. You were child, friend, family and saying good bye was so very hard for me.
We are still talking about what you would do for attention. Flirting and barking at Justin or Don or Dave. When you were ever so tiny, untying my shoes was a favorite pastime. Your first and most favorite toy was my Bra of all things. Not a clean one; oh no; but a warm one fresh off in the evening. You would grab it and head out on a run.
Our tentative and cautious pup, you were careful around strangers, but if a new pup came around you were the boss. The tiniest boss, but the boss all the same.
When you were 4 and we brought home Daisy, you were so mad at me. Turned your back and pouted. However, the first thing Daisy ever did was clean your face and ears. She loved you from the moment she found you. We were secondary to Daisy I think.
Up until just a couple of weeks before you left us you loved to Herd a Basketball around the yard. You would bark and stomp your feet until we threw it for you. Daisy was terrified of the thing, but you were the boss of that big, hard ball.
You would hop up on my lap if I was knitting and you figured that I had ignored you long enough. You loved our little Maeve from the first time she arrived here in her infant car seat. So very many kisses.
And you loved your Dad. The minute that truck pulled into the driveway you would run to the top of the cellar stairs and wait. Then off, like a shot, to your baby on the floor in the living room. (A big old black dog that had pellets inside.) We called it your baby and I am still sleeping with it now and then.
I can still feel you in my arms and it is so very hard to know that you are not here anymore. I hope that you are with my Dad. He thought you were pretty special.
For a few days after you had to go, I could feel you around the house. Just a feeling like you were there making sure we were ok. Then one morning about 6 days after, I woke up (at least I think I woke up) and there you were sitting on the bedside table. Just looking at me like you were saying goodbye. After that I did not feel you here anymore. Maybe my imagination, but I felt better after that. Still sad; still weeping at the drop of a hat, but better.
Then a couple of weeks ago I opened up my little ipad at work and for some reason, Facebook opened and there on the page was this little puppy face looking for a home. I felt like you were saying, “don’t wait; this little girl is for you.”
So even though I said I would wait until at least spring and look for a little white pup like you; here I am in autumn, with a little black pup named Ivy. Nothing like you, but every now and then she does a little move that is you, my Lily. I will miss you forever. I thank you for making our lives soooooo soooo sooo much better for having you here. Thank you for choosing us to be your people.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

it has been a long time

     So many things have happened in the past three years. I cannot believe that I haven't found a moment to post here. I just re-read the previous post and found it amazing that my perspective was so dead on to what has happened in our world in the past week. I sometimes wonder if there is truly no hope; and then I look into the face of one of my lovely grand daughters and see that there is always hope.
     My mother passed on to dance with my Dad again, just the end of September. It was a bittersweet passing for all of us. She had fought the good fight but her dementia finally prevailed. And yet, the last few weeks of her life although confused, showed us that some of her will remained. Through her confusion, she seemed to find presence of mind to stand up for herself.
     On the day I last visited her when she was still communicating, she kept saying that she needed to buy a dress because she was going to a dance. So we asked what color and she decided on blue. Blue has always been her favorite color. I asked who she was going to the dance with and she said "him" as she looked over my shoulder. I asked the name of this man only she could see, but she didn't know. I hoped it was my Dad, come to wait for her.
    The night before she died, my sister's dogs began growling and barking at the couch in her living room. My sister did hope, in passing, that Dad was sitting and waiting for Mom. The next day, just after 5pm Mom went to the dance with we three daughters sitting beside her.
     Now, Mom had not really known who I was for a number of years and I felt that I had been missing her and even mourning her a little even when she was still here. But, the truth is, there is a hole in my life just like the one that opened when Dad passed away. I had steeled myself to the grief but it would find me anyway.
     Your parents are your parents forever. Whether they are here or dancing on another level, you miss them. I miss them. I am sad.
     I am the old person now. I am the Nana. I hope that my life will mean something to the next generations. The legacy of my parents and grandparents remains with me. I can only wish that someone will remember me with the respect and love that I remember my parents.
     The past three years have brought my a new son-in-law, as well as two lovely grand daughters. We are now a family force to be reckoned with. Four of five children married and blessings of grand daughters, grand cats and grand dogs to fill the house. May the family continue to grow and thrive.
     My knitting has taken a turn to the smaller, softer and fairly colorful. Sweaters and hats, a blanket or two; even a couple of pumpkins knit for halloween costumes.
    Our world has changed in mighty and frightening ways. I can only be who I am and continue to look for the good, the kind, the generous in the people I meet. It was a blow to realize that there are so many who choose to hate. My prayers and energies will be spent on love. For Love trumps Hate always.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

be kind

Is it so difficult? Is it just not cool enough? Why is it fun to watch cruelty or meanness? 
This morning I was sitting with my cup of coffee and catching the weather on the Today Show. As everyone knows the morning shows jump from one subject to another pretty quickly. Among the guests today, Donald Trump doing an interview about the new Celebrity Apprentice show. Now this sort of show is not my favorite thing. I don't like to watch people compete the way they do on this show. He made a comment about how the winnings go to charities and that is a wonderful thing. But he also made reference to the viciousness of the competition. 
We are living in a world that often seems "Gone Mad". Bullying and violence. Cruelty and aggression. Our elected officials spend more time obstructing anything that could help the country. Social media has become a source of snark instead of a means of civil communication. Our children learn from the rich and famous to be cruel to one another. 
The human race should be evolving and learning and teaching the young to care for one another. 
I am not comfortable with the famous, competing for money to give a charity that is "won" by teaching our children that the only way to get ahead in life is to be cruel.
Human failing should teach us to stop and take a deep breath before we hurt someone else.
We are all only human and sometimes make mistakes. That is the way we learn. But we should acknowledge the error and apologize if we hurt someone else and then strive to be kinder the next time.
I am not comfortable watching our elected officials try to one up one another and with sheer meanness, hurt the people they represent. 
Nobody is perfect, we all probably lash out at someone who has hurt us, but, and here is where the growth and evolution comes in; we can make a conscious decision to try not to lash out the next time. 
Every day, I hope to be a kinder person. Every day, I hope to make a difference even if it is only the tiniest difference. I pray to think twice and speak only once. Be fair. Stand up for my convictions, but not at a cost to someone else. 
Make someone smile. Tell someone something positive that makes a difference. 
My wealth does not come from money. I am rich in family, friends and the company I keep. I don't want to hurt anyone and if I can make someone smile or feel better about who they are, I am rich. I won't be a pushover and I will defend myself and those I love, but I won't search someone out to hurt them. 
Peace is something we can achieve. Security is something we can achieve. Not through force or hate. Not with guns or fences. 
We are human beings. We can CHOOSE to evolve. We can CHOOSE to make peace. We can CHOOSE to be KIND. 
If everyone would make the choice to be kind, just a little, every single day, we would all be rich. We would not need a weapon, we would not need the fear, we would not need the money.
My Dad told me a story just a few weeks before he died about being in the Navy in WWII. He was on an island where they had POW's. They would have work details on the other side of the island. Dad would get the rations for a meal and then take volunteers of prisoners to do the work. The prisoners would all want to volunteer and always did the work because Dad always made sure there was enough food for them and they would go to the beach after the work was done. He said that they were all soliders. All serving their country. All drafted to serve and stuck in the same situation. They respected each other. They were prisoners and guards and knew what was expected on each side. There was honor. Nobody was tortured or humiliated. Dad never understood why we would torture. There was not a cruel bone in his body. He didn't care what color you were or what you did for a living. You were a person and that was good enough for him. If you needed a friend he was the best friend you ever had. 
That is what I think I would like to be, the best friend anyone ever had. 
I am a huge fan of Ellen Degeneres. I watch her show as often as I can. I often dream of being "Genie", the gal who gets to knock on the doors and spread the kindness that is Ellen. So since I can't do that, I would like to follow her rule, the one thing she says and does every day, "Be Kind to One Another."
How hard can that be?
The answer to that is, Not Hard  At All.
Be kind. Let me know how that works out for you. 
If we all caught the kindness virus, it could become the best epidemic ever.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

feeling a little springlike

I know that it is only January but this morning the light and the air felt a little more like spring. Maybe it is just the Hope of spring, but I'll take it. Sometimes January is so cold and dark that I wonder if spring will ever arrive. Today tells me that it will. Our family holidays were just about the best I can remember. Everyone home and healthy and laughing and relaxing together. We are so grateful for the family we have and so proud of everyone and the lives they are living. Our house was full of people and dogs. We have 4 grand pups and 3 grand kitties. Only the pups came for the festivities. On Christmas day after everyone had left for home I traveled to see my sister and my Mom. It was such a nice quiet visit. I am so grateful that Mom is settled in and happy with Nancy. Only one little moment gave me pause. Mom came out from the bedroom after her nap and when she saw me she got this look of panic for a moment and I knew that she was not certain of who I was. I had been there the week before, but perhaps the haircut I got in between was just too much for her. Tea and Christmas cookies smoothed everything over. Now we are into winter for sure. Ski season has begun for everyone but me. I never know if I will manage to wrestle those boots back on my feet but I have not lost hope. It could happen. In the meantime I run around in the canteen at the ski area at least once a week. By the end of the 6th hour I am ready to be home with my feet up and a lovely glass of wine in hand wondering if I am getting to old for this stuff and praying that I am not. In the meantime, I am knitting and sewing a bit here and there. I finished a wonderful shawl/cowl; a knit a long with She-knits Mystery KAL's from Ravelry. Very happy with the results. I am also knitting a pair of fingerless mitts for myself. I did a pair for Cecily for Christmas and loved them so much that I want a pair for myself. Complete with vintage buttons, they are perfect for taking the dogs out in style. There is still a shawl with beads to be finished so I am never bored. Aprons for the gals at the canteen at Otis Ridge as well. I sewed them from home dec fabric of which I have more than I will ever need. And a lesson learned about trying to knit a gift in secret. DON'T. I spent night after night trying to knit up a vest in a great basket weave design for Larry for Christmas. The resulting vest is so huge that three of him could wear it. We had a huge laugh and I learned my lesson. This sort of thing is just not a good surprise, just a surprise. I'm thinking of a cool belt and leggings and I could wear it as some kind of funky dress. I am sure my daughters will steer me away from that idea at their first opportunity. Happy New Year one and all.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

holidays and evolution

As we finish the autumn holidays, Labor Day: the end of the summer picnic scene; Halloween, the holiday just for fun and color; Veterans' Day, to thank the men and women who protect us all and Thanksgiving, the holiday to be thankful for all we enjoy and love, we can reflect on the evolution of our life and family. This year we celebrated a new and special holiday now and forever to be known as "Ridiculous Amounts of Joy". This was the wedding of Justin and Sarah. A most wonderful celebration of family and wedding all in one. Two young people who are happy and healthy and kind; who love enough to share their lives together and share their lives with us. The Labor Day weekend this year was the wedding and everyone who was part of the weekend celebration are still talking about it. Perfect weather, perfect food, perfect music and smiles and laughter without reserve. Our family is thankful that this lovely couple shared and included them in their celebration. We love you. Families grow and evolve all the time. This year, Thanksgiving was quiet in our home. Only one child home and a good friend sharing our feast. The others are all starting new traditions. Check our the blog www.jgslifeinfood.blogspot.com to sample one of the newest tradition additions. This is a wonderful thing for all of us. Holidays should be for joy and fun. No stress, no worries. Growing up, holidays were filled with food and family, but sometimes were stressful. Because of this I was determined as an adult with a family of my own that I would solve this stress problem. I realized that whenever our family is together, it is a holiday. As a young mother I had found myself falling into the "stress" trap and it took a few years and regretfully a divorce to pull out of all of that. But I did and now when I feel the stress closing in, I take a deep breath and remember the fun of being together is really just that; Being together. Most of the kids have started their own traditions and it makes me smile. The evolution will continue on Christmas. Everyone is trying to get home for Christmas Eve. I can't wait for them all to be here laughing and talking and eating. There are new houses, new spouses, new extended families, jobs and adventures. When we are all together we share all the information, sometimes in a very loud and confusing manner. It is the most wonderful noise in the world. Then on Christmas Day it will become quieter as they return to their homes and new traditions there. One cooking Christmas Dinner for family - in - law for the first time. Others joining other family for more celebration. We are so blessed to have the wonderful children we have. They share their lives and love with us. Everyone laughs and loves together.It makes us rich in so many ways. Whenever we are together it is joyful. It is a holiday. It is Thanksgiving.