Tuesday, November 15, 2016

it has been a long time

     So many things have happened in the past three years. I cannot believe that I haven't found a moment to post here. I just re-read the previous post and found it amazing that my perspective was so dead on to what has happened in our world in the past week. I sometimes wonder if there is truly no hope; and then I look into the face of one of my lovely grand daughters and see that there is always hope.
     My mother passed on to dance with my Dad again, just the end of September. It was a bittersweet passing for all of us. She had fought the good fight but her dementia finally prevailed. And yet, the last few weeks of her life although confused, showed us that some of her will remained. Through her confusion, she seemed to find presence of mind to stand up for herself.
     On the day I last visited her when she was still communicating, she kept saying that she needed to buy a dress because she was going to a dance. So we asked what color and she decided on blue. Blue has always been her favorite color. I asked who she was going to the dance with and she said "him" as she looked over my shoulder. I asked the name of this man only she could see, but she didn't know. I hoped it was my Dad, come to wait for her.
    The night before she died, my sister's dogs began growling and barking at the couch in her living room. My sister did hope, in passing, that Dad was sitting and waiting for Mom. The next day, just after 5pm Mom went to the dance with we three daughters sitting beside her.
     Now, Mom had not really known who I was for a number of years and I felt that I had been missing her and even mourning her a little even when she was still here. But, the truth is, there is a hole in my life just like the one that opened when Dad passed away. I had steeled myself to the grief but it would find me anyway.
     Your parents are your parents forever. Whether they are here or dancing on another level, you miss them. I miss them. I am sad.
     I am the old person now. I am the Nana. I hope that my life will mean something to the next generations. The legacy of my parents and grandparents remains with me. I can only wish that someone will remember me with the respect and love that I remember my parents.
     The past three years have brought my a new son-in-law, as well as two lovely grand daughters. We are now a family force to be reckoned with. Four of five children married and blessings of grand daughters, grand cats and grand dogs to fill the house. May the family continue to grow and thrive.
     My knitting has taken a turn to the smaller, softer and fairly colorful. Sweaters and hats, a blanket or two; even a couple of pumpkins knit for halloween costumes.
    Our world has changed in mighty and frightening ways. I can only be who I am and continue to look for the good, the kind, the generous in the people I meet. It was a blow to realize that there are so many who choose to hate. My prayers and energies will be spent on love. For Love trumps Hate always.