Today I woke early after a long night of tossing and turning. I took my pups out for their morning constitutional (yes some people still call it that). Sunrise was spectacular in my little corner of the universe. The lake was so still that there was a perfect reflection of its majesty and therefore, two spectacular sunrises. A morning like that and I tend to linger which delights Lily and Daisy who are rediscovering all of the wonderful scents (and odors) of spring. They happily nosed around the circle and back home for an early breakfast where I hustled to pack up and load my car for my trip to Mom's. The early breakfast was the tip-off and Lily began to pout because she knew I was leaving them behind today.
My knitting bag is so full on these days. Today no less than 4 projects in the works. I know I will only get to one, but I have to have them all with me, just in case. In case of what you may ask? I wish I knew the answer to that.
I take them with me each time I go to stay with Mom. She is facing the decline into dementia and I think I knit to remember the mother who taught me how. After Daddy died a couple of years ago, Mom just stopped. She had been confused and having trouble remembering for a long time, but once Dad was gone, I think she just gave in to it. There was no reason for her to try anymore so she just stopped.
My siblings and I have taken turns staying with her. Caring for her and trying to help her find something, anything to make her happy again. To no avail. It is like the disease has taken of her joy and holds it hostage.
Everyone who helps has a different opinion of what they observe. Her sisters all quite a few years younger, all living alone come and go and try to stay positive and coax Mom back into life. She will have a good hour or two, but then finds company overwhelming and retreats, sometimes in anger, sometimes exhaustion, sometimes in anxiety.
One sibling watches for a good day and holds on to it as though it is a cure. "She had a great day; I think we really have turned the corner. Everything will be better. She is back." Then the next day comes and we begin again.
Another sibling doesn't understand and tries to come, only to be devastated by what is found when they arrive.
Then there is one more who is observing and understanding and accepting of all that is happening. Eager to learn whatever they can to assist Mom and care for her.
I am not certain where I fall in all of this. I come with soup or a sweet. Something I know that she will eat a little bit of. I bring along my knitting and sit beside her and knit. Sometimes we talk. More often lately we just sit side by side. She has little to say. Mom crochets small lap covers and blankets to give away to the homeless shelter. For many years she knit and crocheted for Project Linus and a battered women's shelter. Anyone having a baby would receive a baby sweater. I have the ones she made for my children ready for them when they have children of their own. But lately I don't see a baby sweater in the works. The pattern has become too difficult. I am not sure that there will be anymore baby sweaters.
We are all getting older and for many, watching their parents age or become diseased is more than they can handle. We wonder if our fate will be the same or if we will burden our children in future years. Our time is precious. The time we spend with our parents, grandparents, children and grandchildren also so very precious. Do we make a difference? I hope so. I hope that everyone can spend time with their parents. Learn who they are today. Forget past memories that are hurtful or sad and remember the good memories.
In my life, I have had both and now as I am getting older, I try to forget anything that causes me to waste time on negative thoughts or energies.
Today I turned 55. Whew! I still feel 26, 30 or even 36. I search my mind for some wonderful memories or vague recollections of lovely feelings.
I remember my Mom had this wonderful dress. White cotton, sleeveless with a wide belt. There was this wonderful large flower print on the full skirt. I thought is it was probably the most beautiful dress she ever wore. She was always smiling when I remember her in that dress.
When there was a summer thunderstorm, Mom and Dad or one or the other would come and sit on our beds and we would just be together during the storm. They always left the flashlight on so it was never dark.
A new swing set in the spring. Carnival parades in the summer. Lots of pennies under my pillow in payment for the tooth I lost. Whoopie pies! Red lipstick. My Mom never left the house without her lipstick on. I never understood that. I hate lipstick. But she always looked beautiful.
Mom used to sing when I was little. I remember her singing; You are my Sunshine was a favorite. I practiced it so I could sing it too. Family holidays and family picnics. Everyone together, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins. Everyone lived in town and we were together all the time. It was good. No video games. Card games. Mom and Dad and the aunts and uncles would play for pennies. The next morning we kids would crawl under the formica kitchen table and look for dropped treasure. Mom had spent hours, and hours, and hours making a wool braided rug. It was under that kitchen table and the pennies would hide in the dark colors. We never found a fortune but a penny or two would certainly do.
We were brought up with love, not perfection, but love. Our parents did really well and grew up with us just like we did raising our children. I can only hope that I have done half as well. I hope that the memories of my children are good and kind and that they forgive any mistakes or thoughtless words I might have regretfully or impulsively used. I hope and pray that my family and I can help Mom as she finds her way in the dark. May the things I knit and pass along be cherished and bring wonderful memories to the next generation and the next.
Love you Mom. I won't forget. I will remember for you.
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