Dear Lily,
You left us on August 12th at 10 in the morning and we will probably never be exactly the same. For 13 years you were my constant companion and best friend. You saved me from the dark during a very dark time for me. You were never “just a pup” to me. You were child, friend, family and saying good bye was so very hard for me.
We are still talking about what you would do for attention. Flirting and barking at Justin or Don or Dave. When you were ever so tiny, untying my shoes was a favorite pastime. Your first and most favorite toy was my Bra of all things. Not a clean one; oh no; but a warm one fresh off in the evening. You would grab it and head out on a run.
Our tentative and cautious pup, you were careful around strangers, but if a new pup came around you were the boss. The tiniest boss, but the boss all the same.
When you were 4 and we brought home Daisy, you were so mad at me. Turned your back and pouted. However, the first thing Daisy ever did was clean your face and ears. She loved you from the moment she found you. We were secondary to Daisy I think.
Up until just a couple of weeks before you left us you loved to Herd a Basketball around the yard. You would bark and stomp your feet until we threw it for you. Daisy was terrified of the thing, but you were the boss of that big, hard ball.
You would hop up on my lap if I was knitting and you figured that I had ignored you long enough. You loved our little Maeve from the first time she arrived here in her infant car seat. So very many kisses.
And you loved your Dad. The minute that truck pulled into the driveway you would run to the top of the cellar stairs and wait. Then off, like a shot, to your baby on the floor in the living room. (A big old black dog that had pellets inside.) We called it your baby and I am still sleeping with it now and then.
I can still feel you in my arms and it is so very hard to know that you are not here anymore. I hope that you are with my Dad. He thought you were pretty special.
For a few days after you had to go, I could feel you around the house. Just a feeling like you were there making sure we were ok. Then one morning about 6 days after, I woke up (at least I think I woke up) and there you were sitting on the bedside table. Just looking at me like you were saying goodbye. After that I did not feel you here anymore. Maybe my imagination, but I felt better after that. Still sad; still weeping at the drop of a hat, but better.
Then a couple of weeks ago I opened up my little ipad at work and for some reason, Facebook opened and there on the page was this little puppy face looking for a home. I felt like you were saying, “don’t wait; this little girl is for you.”
So even though I said I would wait until at least spring and look for a little white pup like you; here I am in autumn, with a little black pup named Ivy. Nothing like you, but every now and then she does a little move that is you, my Lily. I will miss you forever. I thank you for making our lives soooooo soooo sooo much better for having you here. Thank you for choosing us to be your people.

it has been a long time

     So many things have happened in the past three years. I cannot believe that I haven't found a moment to post here. I just re-read the previous post and found it amazing that my perspective was so dead on to what has happened in our world in the past week. I sometimes wonder if there is truly no hope; and then I look into the face of one of my lovely grand daughters and see that there is always hope.
     My mother passed on to dance with my Dad again, just the end of September. It was a bittersweet passing for all of us. She had fought the good fight but her dementia finally prevailed. And yet, the last few weeks of her life although confused, showed us that some of her will remained. Through her confusion, she seemed to find presence of mind to stand up for herself.
     On the day I last visited her when she was still communicating, she kept saying that she needed to buy a dress because she was going to a dance. So we asked what color and she decided on blue. Blue has always been her favorite color. I asked who she was going to the dance with and she said "him" as she looked over my shoulder. I asked the name of this man only she could see, but she didn't know. I hoped it was my Dad, come to wait for her.
    The night before she died, my sister's dogs began growling and barking at the couch in her living room. My sister did hope, in passing, that Dad was sitting and waiting for Mom. The next day, just after 5pm Mom went to the dance with we three daughters sitting beside her.
     Now, Mom had not really known who I was for a number of years and I felt that I had been missing her and even mourning her a little even when she was still here. But, the truth is, there is a hole in my life just like the one that opened when Dad passed away. I had steeled myself to the grief but it would find me anyway.
     Your parents are your parents forever. Whether they are here or dancing on another level, you miss them. I miss them. I am sad.
     I am the old person now. I am the Nana. I hope that my life will mean something to the next generations. The legacy of my parents and grandparents remains with me. I can only wish that someone will remember me with the respect and love that I remember my parents.
     The past three years have brought my a new son-in-law, as well as two lovely grand daughters. We are now a family force to be reckoned with. Four of five children married and blessings of grand daughters, grand cats and grand dogs to fill the house. May the family continue to grow and thrive.
     My knitting has taken a turn to the smaller, softer and fairly colorful. Sweaters and hats, a blanket or two; even a couple of pumpkins knit for halloween costumes.
    Our world has changed in mighty and frightening ways. I can only be who I am and continue to look for the good, the kind, the generous in the people I meet. It was a blow to realize that there are so many who choose to hate. My prayers and energies will be spent on love. For Love trumps Hate always.

be kind

Is it so difficult? Is it just not cool enough? Why is it fun to watch cruelty or meanness? 
This morning I was sitting with my cup of coffee and catching the weather on the Today Show. As everyone knows the morning shows jump from one subject to another pretty quickly. Among the guests today, Donald Trump doing an interview about the new Celebrity Apprentice show. Now this sort of show is not my favorite thing. I don't like to watch people compete the way they do on this show. He made a comment about how the winnings go to charities and that is a wonderful thing. But he also made reference to the viciousness of the competition. 
We are living in a world that often seems "Gone Mad". Bullying and violence. Cruelty and aggression. Our elected officials spend more time obstructing anything that could help the country. Social media has become a source of snark instead of a means of civil communication. Our children learn from the rich and famous to be cruel to one another. 
The human race should be evolving and learning and teaching the young to care for one another. 
I am not comfortable with the famous, competing for money to give a charity that is "won" by teaching our children that the only way to get ahead in life is to be cruel.
Human failing should teach us to stop and take a deep breath before we hurt someone else.
We are all only human and sometimes make mistakes. That is the way we learn. But we should acknowledge the error and apologize if we hurt someone else and then strive to be kinder the next time.
I am not comfortable watching our elected officials try to one up one another and with sheer meanness, hurt the people they represent. 
Nobody is perfect, we all probably lash out at someone who has hurt us, but, and here is where the growth and evolution comes in; we can make a conscious decision to try not to lash out the next time. 
Every day, I hope to be a kinder person. Every day, I hope to make a difference even if it is only the tiniest difference. I pray to think twice and speak only once. Be fair. Stand up for my convictions, but not at a cost to someone else. 
Make someone smile. Tell someone something positive that makes a difference. 
My wealth does not come from money. I am rich in family, friends and the company I keep. I don't want to hurt anyone and if I can make someone smile or feel better about who they are, I am rich. I won't be a pushover and I will defend myself and those I love, but I won't search someone out to hurt them. 
Peace is something we can achieve. Security is something we can achieve. Not through force or hate. Not with guns or fences. 
We are human beings. We can CHOOSE to evolve. We can CHOOSE to make peace. We can CHOOSE to be KIND. 
If everyone would make the choice to be kind, just a little, every single day, we would all be rich. We would not need a weapon, we would not need the fear, we would not need the money.
My Dad told me a story just a few weeks before he died about being in the Navy in WWII. He was on an island where they had POW's. They would have work details on the other side of the island. Dad would get the rations for a meal and then take volunteers of prisoners to do the work. The prisoners would all want to volunteer and always did the work because Dad always made sure there was enough food for them and they would go to the beach after the work was done. He said that they were all soliders. All serving their country. All drafted to serve and stuck in the same situation. They respected each other. They were prisoners and guards and knew what was expected on each side. There was honor. Nobody was tortured or humiliated. Dad never understood why we would torture. There was not a cruel bone in his body. He didn't care what color you were or what you did for a living. You were a person and that was good enough for him. If you needed a friend he was the best friend you ever had. 
That is what I think I would like to be, the best friend anyone ever had. 
I am a huge fan of Ellen Degeneres. I watch her show as often as I can. I often dream of being "Genie", the gal who gets to knock on the doors and spread the kindness that is Ellen. So since I can't do that, I would like to follow her rule, the one thing she says and does every day, "Be Kind to One Another."
How hard can that be?
The answer to that is, Not Hard  At All.
Be kind. Let me know how that works out for you. 
If we all caught the kindness virus, it could become the best epidemic ever.

feeling a little springlike

I know that it is only January but this morning the light and the air felt a little more like spring. Maybe it is just the Hope of spring, but I'll take it. Sometimes January is so cold and dark that I wonder if spring will ever arrive. Today tells me that it will. Our family holidays were just about the best I can remember. Everyone home and healthy and laughing and relaxing together. We are so grateful for the family we have and so proud of everyone and the lives they are living. Our house was full of people and dogs. We have 4 grand pups and 3 grand kitties. Only the pups came for the festivities. On Christmas day after everyone had left for home I traveled to see my sister and my Mom. It was such a nice quiet visit. I am so grateful that Mom is settled in and happy with Nancy. Only one little moment gave me pause. Mom came out from the bedroom after her nap and when she saw me she got this look of panic for a moment and I knew that she was not certain of who I was. I had been there the week before, but perhaps the haircut I got in between was just too much for her. Tea and Christmas cookies smoothed everything over. Now we are into winter for sure. Ski season has begun for everyone but me. I never know if I will manage to wrestle those boots back on my feet but I have not lost hope. It could happen. In the meantime I run around in the canteen at the ski area at least once a week. By the end of the 6th hour I am ready to be home with my feet up and a lovely glass of wine in hand wondering if I am getting to old for this stuff and praying that I am not. In the meantime, I am knitting and sewing a bit here and there. I finished a wonderful shawl/cowl; a knit a long with She-knits Mystery KAL's from Ravelry. Very happy with the results. I am also knitting a pair of fingerless mitts for myself. I did a pair for Cecily for Christmas and loved them so much that I want a pair for myself. Complete with vintage buttons, they are perfect for taking the dogs out in style. There is still a shawl with beads to be finished so I am never bored. Aprons for the gals at the canteen at Otis Ridge as well. I sewed them from home dec fabric of which I have more than I will ever need. And a lesson learned about trying to knit a gift in secret. DON'T. I spent night after night trying to knit up a vest in a great basket weave design for Larry for Christmas. The resulting vest is so huge that three of him could wear it. We had a huge laugh and I learned my lesson. This sort of thing is just not a good surprise, just a surprise. I'm thinking of a cool belt and leggings and I could wear it as some kind of funky dress. I am sure my daughters will steer me away from that idea at their first opportunity. Happy New Year one and all.

holidays and evolution

As we finish the autumn holidays, Labor Day: the end of the summer picnic scene; Halloween, the holiday just for fun and color; Veterans' Day, to thank the men and women who protect us all and Thanksgiving, the holiday to be thankful for all we enjoy and love, we can reflect on the evolution of our life and family. This year we celebrated a new and special holiday now and forever to be known as "Ridiculous Amounts of Joy". This was the wedding of Justin and Sarah. A most wonderful celebration of family and wedding all in one. Two young people who are happy and healthy and kind; who love enough to share their lives together and share their lives with us. The Labor Day weekend this year was the wedding and everyone who was part of the weekend celebration are still talking about it. Perfect weather, perfect food, perfect music and smiles and laughter without reserve. Our family is thankful that this lovely couple shared and included them in their celebration. We love you. Families grow and evolve all the time. This year, Thanksgiving was quiet in our home. Only one child home and a good friend sharing our feast. The others are all starting new traditions. Check our the blog www.jgslifeinfood.blogspot.com to sample one of the newest tradition additions. This is a wonderful thing for all of us. Holidays should be for joy and fun. No stress, no worries. Growing up, holidays were filled with food and family, but sometimes were stressful. Because of this I was determined as an adult with a family of my own that I would solve this stress problem. I realized that whenever our family is together, it is a holiday. As a young mother I had found myself falling into the "stress" trap and it took a few years and regretfully a divorce to pull out of all of that. But I did and now when I feel the stress closing in, I take a deep breath and remember the fun of being together is really just that; Being together. Most of the kids have started their own traditions and it makes me smile. The evolution will continue on Christmas. Everyone is trying to get home for Christmas Eve. I can't wait for them all to be here laughing and talking and eating. There are new houses, new spouses, new extended families, jobs and adventures. When we are all together we share all the information, sometimes in a very loud and confusing manner. It is the most wonderful noise in the world. Then on Christmas Day it will become quieter as they return to their homes and new traditions there. One cooking Christmas Dinner for family - in - law for the first time. Others joining other family for more celebration. We are so blessed to have the wonderful children we have. They share their lives and love with us. Everyone laughs and loves together.It makes us rich in so many ways. Whenever we are together it is joyful. It is a holiday. It is Thanksgiving.

farewell to princessandthepeatg

So I have another blog called Princessandthepeatg.blogspot.com, but I have tried over and over to link it to this account and written for help to no avail. I wanted to post on it but cannot get into the blog account to do that so I am sad today. It is my blog and I wish it was still accessible. I address different things there and wanted to keep the two blogs separate. If any of my friends out there have any answers for me I hope they will jump in and let me know.

The Learning Curve

My mind is such a muddle today. I have been tired and sad and searching for answers, all to no avail. Mom came to spend four days with us. My sister is having a new shower installed for easier access for Mom now that she is living there. Mom had to have surgery at the end of March and we our fears of further decline have been realized. Surgery went very well although took longer than expected with a little more repair work needed. So she was under anesthesia for twice as long as first predicted. But the repairs were made with no problem. She woke in the hospital very confused but docile. Pain management went very well while there although she had vivid dreams and hallucinations. Pain meds were changed with discharge and off she went to rehab. But she became more and more confused, fearful and depressed. The rehab, although thought to be about the best around was fair at best. She came in as a post op patient but did not receive the attention needed for pain management and simple physical care. She would get up in the night, the alarm would go off and nobody came. She was not bathed or monitored when she was given a meal. She did not know where she was or I fear, who she was. Her name was never put on her door and the staff, when they came in, called her by a different name and she smiled and responded in confusion. We took her out of there after only 3 days and moved her in with my sister. The ride since then has been wild. 24 hour care is needed and my sister has shouldered much of this. Caregivers are in for about 20 hours a week. Not enough for my sister to get a breath or any rest. We are learning as we go how to schedule care and monitor progress. Sundowning! Mom began to exhibit symptoms of paranoia and terror from late afternoon and into the evening. Crying and wailing and praying to die but fearing death. We were at our wits end until a visiting nurse suggested we check information on something called Sundowning. Well, Bingo! that is exactly what was happening to her. I went online to read other accounts of this problem from other family members and caregivers and found that the pain med we were using for management could be part of the problem. We stopped the med and the sundowning has improved a great deal. We have also found that Mom will complain of pain one moment and then when we offer an OTC remedy she says she doesn't have pain, so she is no longer reliable to be able to know if she herself is in fact in pain. Physically, Mom is recovering but mentally the decline continues. While she was here I did not leave the house except to take the dogs out for a quick walk. Each time I came back after about 5 minutes, she was anxious and worried because she didn't know where I was. Repetition is only repetition. She retains very little and is easily frightened and confused. Her mood is negative and her tongue sharp. We coax her to eat and she eats only a few bites. She forgets that she has eaten sometimes so we have to keep close track of every bite and every fluid intake. It is devastating to watch the constant anxiety and her only relief coming in the form of negative mood or commentary. Her doctor has now prescribed an appetite enhancer so we have great hope that she will start to enjoy some foods again. I make soups and other comfort foods and portion them and freeze them for she and my sister and my other sister brings sweets often. There is always something offered and we find that something simple and sweet is more welcome than say, spinach. Remember when you were a child and vegetables generally came from a can and we all hated them and made faces or fussed when we had to eat them? That is the behavior we see from Mom now. Full circle I think. We are dedicated to finding positive things to talk about. We will continue to remind her of good memories and hope that, as time goes on, she will become more contented and try to find some positive energy in her life. By the fourth day she did begin to talk about going "home" and she meant my sister's home. She seems to accept that this is the only option for her and is beginning to give me hope that we will turn a corner for her to be more contented and find peace. Until then, we will hang on for the ride. So what is on my needles you ask? Lacy, complicated knit shawls that keep me focused. One in wonderful dove colors. Another a soft yellow with silver thread running through it. I have begun beading summery flowers in French Beaded Flowers and bead knitting a brides evening purse. If I sound scattered, be assured that these projects keep me sane and I am grateful for the distraction. All will be well. All will be peaceful. But the learning curve is sharp.